Often times, it can be hard to initiate a tricky conversation when we’re unsure how the other person’s going to react. Or worse, when we’ve got a good idea, but know we’re broaching a difficult subject or something, which is likely to meet with resistance.
Choose your optimum time
Apart from the (hopefully) obvious of choosing an optimum time – emphasis on the optimum – the following 5 points cover some things to keep in mind, and the nice thing is all of them are within your control!
Actually, a quick clarification on choosing your time. I’m not talking about a good time as often there’s no such thing. It’s a bit like waiting for all the planets to align, or hoping for the day when the conversation somehow gets around to what’s troubling you, it rarely happens! No, I’m talking about the optimum time being when both you and the said other are in your best state as possible.
Quick example of what an optimum time isn’t that immediately comes to mind. My twin sister is an early bird, literally she opens her eyes and is ready for her day, and the first thing she used to say to her husband is “what would you like for supper?” And then she’d be chatting away, running through possible options and, over time, she’d get more and more frustrated when her husband regularly didn’t respond. He, on the other hand, is the complete opposite, preferring to be left alone in the morning and wake up in his own way, and the last thing on his mind is what he’s gong to be eating later! Of course, this eventually became obvious, and supper is no longer discussed first thing – a fact I’m convinced has contributed to their on-going union!
Now, back to those 5 points.
1 Different maps of the world
Many moons ago when I was doing my coach training, this is possibly the one thing that had the biggest impact on me. The concept is based on the idea that we all have different ‘maps of the world’ as it’s referred to, that there is no one map or reality, but rather we all have are own individual maps of how we think about things, or would like them to be, based on our own unique experiences, internal ‘wiring’, beliefs and values. Realising this makes communications so much easier since there is often very little point in trying to force someone to see things in exactly the same way we do – sometimes they will and sometimes they won’t, and that’s okay.
2 Good intentions
In my experience, and certainly a key part of having a different conversation, is the belief that the other person has good intentions, even though you might not think that at the time. If you’re feeling hostility towards the other person from the outset, it will be much harder to come to a mutual agreement or compromise. Believing that we’re all doing the best we can at any given moment can immediately take the heat out of a difficult conversation.
3 It’s not about the words
It’s well known, but worth reiterating, that the words we use in any communication only account for a very small percentage of how we experience and process what’s being said. Two other factors have a much bigger impact: body language and tone of voice – with tone of voice being the bigger factor. So, back to the importance of being in your best state when both your physiology, and the way you’re likely to say things, stand the best chance of success.
4 What’s more important?
Sometimes, differences can feel so important that it can be hard to see how agreement can be reached. This can result in all sorts of on going arguments and tensions – particularly in close relationships. Often this comes down to our own personal beliefs, values and the ‘rules’ that we choose to live by (maps of the world) and that would be okay if we were all living as hermits, and didn’t have to take account of others’ beliefs and values, but it is not a great recipe if you are wanting happier relationships.
At such times, a good question to ask yourself is “to whom does the issue matter most at the end of the day?” Perhaps this time, on balance, it matters far more to your partner for example than it does to you; another time, it might be something that you feel strongly about, which they can give ground on.
5 The easy v the hard way
This is one of my favourite expressions about the problems, which are caused by prevarication and putting off. Not having the conversation can feel very easy to start off with, but the longer things go on, or are avoided, the much harder they can be. The effect is that the easy way becomes the hard way and the hard way becomes the easy way, so you might as well get on with it.
Hopefully, keeping these points in mind will help with your trickier conversations, and make for a much better outcome!