A nudge About a Different Way of Listening

A nudge About a Different Way of Listening

It’s been a while again since my last nudge, and I hope you’re keeping well. I don’t know about you, but, in these current times, I have found myself craving quieter moments, and am ever conscious and grateful for the freedoms available to me, which sadly, so many others in our world do not experience.

This nudge has been percolating for a while now as I notice more and more how hard it seems for people to listen to one another.

Habitual vs quieter listening

We all have habitual ways of listening, me too, and it was a revelation for me to learn I was not as good a listener as I thought! The following are some of those habitual ways:

listening to evaluate

I used to think it was an important part of my work to listen to evaluate…to analyse what a person said and then advise on strategies or techniques, or ‘how tos’ that would help the person to take action on whatever they wanted to change or was keeping them stuck.

Similarly, in my personal life often listening resulted in my own internal conversation going on at the same time: whether I agreed/disagreed with them, making assumptions and judgements on what they were saying, having critical thoughts or sharing ‘I know just how you feel’ similar stories!

listening for information

Intently listening for information, to take notes, to research and memorise what is being said. Absolutely fine as part of a learning process, but less useful when wanting to connect with people at a deeper level.

listening when distracted

Boy do I see this everywhere! What I call half listening when people are seemingly listening to you, but busy doing something else at the same time! Or they are preoccupied with what’s going on in their own heads…easily spotted as they tend to interrupt more, try to finish your sentences, or are in a hurry for you to finish or change the subject.

listening to diagnose

As a coach, I do not diagnose, but in the field of mental health listening to diagnose is common place. For me, I’ve come to see there’s a huge difference between listening to diagnose, based on a premise that people need fixing in some way, and listening for mental health…seeing that all people have an innate wellbeing and wisdom inside them, and pointing them in that direction, which allows the space for their own fresh thinking and insights to occur.

listening through our own filters

This is a biggie! And so often sub consciously happening whether we know it or not. Similar to listening to evaluate, conditioned patterns of thinking and habitual beliefs and values can hinder us from seeing another person as they really are. Rather, we see them through our own ideas of who we ‘think’ they are, sometimes long held and unquestioned. It is fascinating to scrub all that and meet someone afresh…believe me, I’ve seen miraculous things happen as a result!

Listening with nothing on our minds

I’ve come to see there is a different way to listen. It involves getting quiet enough to drop out of our own, often busy, thinking, and listen with nothing on our minds…to listen with ‘both ears’ as I heard it put recently.

In my own experience, I cannot over estimate the benefits of this kind of listening. It leads to a greater understanding and appreciation of the other person’s world. We get to connect at a much deeper level…heart to heart as the phrase goes…and we all know how it feels to be heard and understood in this way.

And ultimately it can help lead to a shift in consciousness that goodness the world needs to see more of at the moment…..

Being present as the route to better listening

As I’m often sharing, we’re either living in our life, present to what shows up in any moment, or we’re living in our thoughts. The more present I am when listening to someone, the greater the feeling of connection and understanding. From that space, of feeling truly heard and understood, the other person naturally gets their own new perspectives and fresh insights, which is an incredibly helpful and hopeful way to live.

Listening to yourself

A wonderful by product of noticing how you tend to listen, and choosing to listen differently, is that you can also start listening to yourself the way you’d like others to listen to you.

So, what do you think your habitual way of listening is, what rings true for you, and how might you choose now to listen differently? As always, I’d love to hear what you notice!

And, as one of my older mentors says, ‘everyone could do with a damn good listening to‘, and if that appeals to you, then do get in touch.

Until the next time, all the very best for now.

Tamsin

PS If other people spring to mind as you read through these different ways of listening, then do feel free to pass this nudge along to them! 😉

A nudge About Where You Spend Your Time?

A nudge About Where You Spend Your Time?

I received some really insightful thoughts and comments on my last nudge ‘What Makes a Problem a Problem‘. So interesting that we all come from our own unique perspective when considering this question, which, for me, only serves to underline how much we live in our own separate, thought created realities.

No one reality

I remember well the day I truly saw that there is no one reality out there that we’re all responding to during one of my coach trainings many moons ago. Up until then I just assumed if certain situations or circumstances arose that we all experienced them in a similar way. Of course with our own unique flavour, but very much from a belief, or ‘given’, that certain things were definitely a problem…such as being short of money, or having a relationship breakdown, or a health issue.

As one of my readers commented:

One person’s problem can be another person’s non-issue. There is sometimes an action to take to nudge it along, but it’s amazing how much naturally sorts itself even if it’s not to everyone’s original design.

And that’s been very much my experience too.

Where do you spend your time?

This got me thinking about another question I often ask in my work: where do you spend your time?

I’m not talking about where you physically spend your day to day life, but where you tend to spend most of your time mentally.

As the strapline says on my nudgeme website, we’re either living in our life or living in our thoughts, and the extent to which we spend time in either dictates the quality of our lives.

Missing from the moment

Put simply I’ve come to see that the more we find ourselves caught up in our thinking – and I should say innocently so, it’s not something we can control – the more we wind up ‘missing from the moment’.

For instance, have you ever taken a walk to clear your head, but found that by the time you got home you haven’t really been in the moment, in the present, aware of your surroundings? Then at another time, you’ve been more relaxed, in a better state of mind and spotted all kinds of things you didn’t notice previously. Nothing has changed about the walk, it’s just with a clearer head, less on your mind you’ve had a completely different experience.

Life is kinder than our imagination

As the comment above suggests ‘it’s amazing how much naturally sorts itself’ when we leave our thinking alone. I’ve come to see that if an answer to something is needed it’s more likely to come when your mind settles down vs going back and forth with imagined future scenarios. And it’s from that quieter state of mind that the thoughts can feel very different. Those out of the blue ones that just feel fresh and new and just right for the situation at hand.

I’m not saying that using our intellect can’t be helpful, but you’ll always know when it’s less so by the way it feels. When you start to feel stressed, or anxious or finding it hard to sleep or however this manifests for you, that’s the signal to leave your thinking alone as best you can. Trust that something will come to you from a calmer state of mind.

Kindness in our design

As I always say, please don’t take my word for it, test it out for yourself.

I now see that there’s kindness in our design, and that uncomfortable feelings are a useful guide, letting us know when we’re getting too caught up in our thinking. And nothing needs to change on the outside for that to happen, which makes for a much easier and nicer way to live.

So where do you spend your time? If it tends to be more in your thoughts, and you’re currently grappling with something, or feeling stressed, I hope you find this nudge helpful. And, as always, I’d love to hear from you.

Until the next time, have a good rest of your day, and all the very best for now.

Tamsin

What Makes A Problem a Problem?

What Makes A Problem a Problem?

I was thinking this morning how it’s been a while since I sent a nudge, and I thought what might be helpful to share in the current times.

I was looking though some previous nudges, and came across the following one on ‘what makes a problem a problem?’ I shared it back in 2018, and yet it feels more pertinent than ever today.

If I had a postscript it would be that I’ve put what I share below to the test again, and again and again, and, for me, it just rings even more true.

But please don’t take my word for it, test it out for yourself and see what occurs to you!

Problem solving can make things worse

For someone who has spent a lifetime believing that it helps to problem solve, that was a huge realisation when I realised that it often just caused me to get way more caught up in my thinking and further away from coming up with solutions.

I used to see it as an important part of my work, helping people to consider the issues and problems they were having, and then come up with a plan or strategy to help get them unstuck.

And sometimes it worked – or at least worked for a while, until another problem would present itself and the conversation to problem solve would start again!

Living less in your thoughts = less stress

Since coming across the understanding of how we create our experience, I now see problems very differently. I see that there’s the event, circumstance or situation that occurs, and then there’s all my thinking and speculating about them.

The more I’ve learned to live less in my thoughts, the easier it’s been to drop all that thinking. And in doing so, find that the answers inevitably present themselves. Often something I couldn’t possibly have imagined, or problem solved, occurs, and whatever seemed like a major problem at the time worked out in hindsight. It makes for a much less stressful way to live.

Newsflash…

So, my sister just happened to call while I was writing this, and we chatted through the idea that problems are illusory. In her inimitable way, she paused and said “Tam, that’s all well and good and I kind of get it, but I’ve been learning about this understanding about thought for a good while now, and even I don’t see that one…of course a problem is a problem!!” She went on to give this example. “If I’ve got to find money by the end of the week that I don’t have, that’s a fact it’s not something I made up. Any one of us will have experienced all kinds of problems today, and reading that they are illusory would quite frankly p*** me off so it could be the people who read this might feel the same way!” Needless to say, we chatted some more, the essence of which I hope I’ve now captured below.

Just seeing the transitory nature of thought is enough

For me, the fact that I’ve come to understand the transitory nature of thought, and that how much of a problem I make something is down to my own thinking, has completely changed how I approach all ‘problems’. Just seeing that it is my own thoughts that first create what is and isn’t a problem, and then all the next level of thinking about how I’m going to respond to that – which is also only more thought – is usually enough to give me a buffer before the ifs, buts and maybes take me in an unhelpful direction! These days, that gives me just the nudge I need to more easily catch myself before generating more perceived problems about the illusory problem!

All that said, of course I’m only human so does this always work? No, far from it! But just seeing that both the problem and my thoughts about it can only ever come from my own thinking, gives me a chance to pause. And it’s in that space between the busy thoughts that more creative thinking naturally flows in if I let it. Seeing that’s how we work is what has caused me to have more confidence, and trust that something will come to mind, that fresh thought will come in and provide answers I can’t yet see!

I’d love to know what this brings up for you. And if you have any examples of where you’ve seen that life has a habit of working out in retrospect, would be great to hear them.

That’s your nudge for today! Have a great rest of your day/evening.

All the best

Tamsin

PS This is the type of conversation I’m having with people in my work now. Moving away from helping people to problem solve to pointing them in a different direction of how our experience is created in the first place. It makes for some wonderful conversations and insights that no amount of problem solving ever did! So if you’re experiencing ‘problems’ in life at the minute, I nudge you to consider having a different conversation, and just see what new perspectives might occur for you as a result.

Knowing vs Predicting

Knowing vs Predicting

I do hope you had a relaxing festive break, and that 2023 has got off to a good start.

When I sent out my last nudge about worry these two in the photo were only small pups, and I was predicting that life would never be the same again.

Well, I can happily report I was absolutely right, and we are loving having them as part of the family – there is no end to the joy they give us on a daily basis!

Living in a state of worry

My musings about worry certainly resonated, and it was good to read all your comments and thoughts on the subject. I don’t think you need to be a mind reader to see that many are still living in a state of worry this year. And very often for one of those key reasons I spoke of, which is our innocent habit of wanting to predict the future. In the case of the puppies it’s great to be proved right, but less so when we get caught up in negative thinking about imagined futures or worst case scenarios.

Knowing vs predicting

There is a huge difference between making up predictions about anything, and that sense of just knowing what you want to do, see happen or take place. Not least the difference in feeling and energy. For me, the former can come with streams of unhelpful thinking, which can feel stressful, tense, uncomfortable and immobilising. Where the latter just feels right and comes with a feeling of clarity, calm, and common sense, innate knowing of what best to do, or the next steps to take.

As the saying goes, when you know you know and there is such an ease that accompanies that.

Less thinking not more

We are so conditioned to get busy thinking when we have a difficult situation, issue or problem, but I’ve found that to be so counter productive. Not only is it a sure fire way to ratchet up the worry levels, but, more importantly, it takes us in the opposite direction of our quieter knowing. Left alone, any stirred up thinking will settle down, and when it does it leaves room for those quieter nudges of fresh thought, out of the blue ideas and common sense wisdom to flow.

Listening for, and then following, those knowing nudges has become such a way of life now, and I encourage you to notice the difference for yourself. Next time you start to have worrying thoughts, just see what happens when you leave that thinking alone. And I don’t mean getting busy with trying to manage or reframe your thoughts, or doing anything at all with them…that just continues the cycle. Rather, just as best you can, leave them alone and you’ll see how much more quickly they pass through.

As the thought dissipates, the uncomfortable feelings will naturally dissipate too. Then, from that calmer state of mind, you’ll leave space for your knowing to come through. Nothing on the outside might have changed, but everything on the inside feels different.

I hope this is helpful. As always, please don’t take my word for it, but see for yourself, and I’d love to hear what you notice.

All the best for now

Tam

Less Worry Challenge

An idea has been percolating to share more about why I, and the people I work with, no longer find ourselves worrying so much these days, and how that has given us so much more time, energy and peace of mind. So, in the spirit of following my knowing, I’d love to hear from you if you tend to worry, overthink, or just feel you’re currently living with a low hum of stress and would love to experience life without that this year. Just email me and I’ll be in touch.

A nudge About Worry

A nudge About Worry

It’s been a while since my last nudge! I hope you’re doing well despite the times we’re living through.

Given a lot of the news is less than cheerful, I hope this photo of my sister and her husband’s new cocker spaniel puppies, Finn and Paddy, will raise a smile or two – they arrived home yesterday and I suspect life will never be quite the same!?

How to worry less

I was thinking about what might be most helpful for my nudge today, and since I’m coming across a lot of people who are experiencing worry and anxious thinking, I wanted to share some thoughts on this.

As an expression my Pa used to share goes “worry is a bit like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere“.

Thinking is very different to overthinking

The number one thing I see in my work is the better people get at noticing when they’ve started to go from thinking about something to overthinking about it, and take a pause to slow down, the better they instantly feel. Simply put, there’s the thinking you’ll naturally have about a situation or issue that’s on your mind, and then there’s all the overthinking you can start to layer on top about it – and it’s so often that which causes the worry to build.

Probably the top three reasons that come up for this are a need to be in control to create certainty for ourselves – especially in times of change – fear of the unknown, and the habit of rushing headlong into imagined futures rather than just being in life with what is.

1 The myth of control

I have some great conversations about this because as much as we all might like the feeling of being in control, and can make up all kinds of scenarios in an attempt to give ourselves a sense of certainty from that, there is so much when it boils down to it that we don’t control, or is just not up to us. And the key is that that’s okay … we don’t have to be in control for life to go well. I’ve seen time and time again, that life can have other ideas that work out far better than we could have imagined, and no amount of advance worrying and preparation make a difference.

As John Lennon said “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans” and I have so come to see the truth in that!

2 Fear of the unknown

Now that I’m less concerned with the need to control outcomes, I get far less gripped by the fear of the unknown. I just see this as old patterns of conditioning, a means to protect ourselves when we’re going through changing times, or moving out of our comfort zones. Yes change can feel uncomfortable, but it only lasts as long as we’re thinking about it, and as our minds quieten down and we get fresh thought and clarity we invariably just know what to do next.

3 Life as it is vs imagined futures

Have you ever noticed that the more your mind is stirred up the greater the tendency for you to imagine all kinds of unhelpful, negative or worse case scenarios that never or rarely show up? In a calmer state of mind, it’s usually much easier to see the fact of a situation or issue – life as it is – and let go of the resistance we have about something occurring.

If we don’t like something that’s happening we can keep stirring the pot by coming up with all kinds of ‘what if’ scenarios, or made up thinking about what x or y means, or we can just stop. Put another way, it’s like poking yourself in the eye with a blunt pencil and wondering why it’s hurting, you can carry on or you can just put down the pencil.

That’s my nudge for today, and I do hope it helps if, as and when you find yourself starting to worry.

Have a lovely weekend, and all the very best for now

Tam

A nudge To Take Uncomfortable Feelings Less Seriously

A nudge To Take Uncomfortable Feelings Less Seriously

A nudge to take uncomfortable feelings less seriously

It’s been a while again since my last nudge, and I hope you’re having a lovely summer. I can’t get over the weather we’ve been having in the UK, although a little cooler on the boat today!

Depression and chemical imbalance link questioned

I’ve been thinking about some research that was in the news last week suggesting that depression may not be caused by a chemical imbalance (specifically low serotonin levels). *Based on a major review of prior research by University College London (UCL), the report’s authors are therefore questioning the use of (and increase in use of) antidepressants prescribed for this reason.

You can read the UCL news piece below and make your own conclusions, but I have felt uneasy for a long time now about the over prescribing that goes on. This can sometimes be referred to as ‘the medicalisation of feelings’, or human emotions. (I just looked up the term and medicalisation is described as the ‘process of taking non-medical problems and converting them into illnesses and disorders’ according to Conrad and Schneider 2010.)

Thought feeling, thought feeling link

Whatever your views, and I’m well aware there will be differing ones, depending on your own experience, I wanted to share a nudge today on taking all uncomfy feelings less seriously.

It actually came to me in the form of a question: “Why oh why do we spend so much time thinking about, or analysing, uncomfortable feelings, and yet spend far less time sitting in good feelings when we have them?

Aside from the obvious survival instinct that can drive us and cause this to happen, this is something I do less and less – both for myself and in my work – now that I see the link between a thought and a feeling. At its simplest, if we’re thinking what we would dub as happy or joyful thoughts, we’ll feel happy and joyful; when we’re thinking what we would dub as unhappy, sad or fearful thoughts, we’ll feel unhappy, sad or fearful.

The difficulty comes when we project those feelings on to an object or person or circumstance instead of just allowing the stream of thought-feeling, thought-feeling to naturally flow.

Rather, we’re so conditioned (and innocently so) to project what we’re feeling onto something, and when we do we fix it in place … it becomes rigid and no longer flows. Then it feels like the external object, person or circumstance has to change for our thoughts to change and for us to feel better….which takes so much longer.

Our state of mind is not fixed

What is more, our state of mind is not fixed. Our state of mind can change in a heartbeat as we have a fresh thought, or a new perspective, or we simply drop into a clearer state of mind. For instance, you know that way you can go to bed in a bad mood, or stirred up state, about something only to wake and feel much better in the morning. Nothing has changed, yet you just feel better.

I’ve come to see that this capacity resides in us, we don’t have to do anything for it to work for us.

That is such a good example of the transient nature of thoughts and states of mind just being of the moment … that is, whatever is crossing our mind at any given time. And it’s not about trying not to think, and thus feel, or being permanently Zen like. There is no point (even if we could) trying to contrive better feelings as nothing is fixed anyway … as thoughts pass through, feelings pass with them. And that includes for people who have previously felt let down by the system, or a diagnosis, which has left them feeling at a loss or sadly hopeless.

Less need for the world to be different

Seeing uncomfy feelings for what they are means you start to feel less trapped in the feelings of thoughts you’re taking seriously. It’s only human that sometimes thoughts will feel more ‘sticky’ than others, and at other times you’ll ignore them. But either way, I and the people I work with, feel less in the trap of needing the world to be different to feel okay than we used to, and the implications of that are huge – not to mention a lot more hopeful.

I would dearly love to hear what comes to mind, or resonates for you, from this nudge so do let me know here.

All the very best for now

Tam

*UCL news – No evidence that depression is caused by low serotonin levels, finds comprehensive review https://www.ucl.ac.uk/news/2022/jul/no-evidence-depression-caused-low-serotonin-levels-finds-comprehensive-review

NB as is referenced in the news piece, it is never advisable to come off medication without prior discussion with your doctor. As I often say to people, don’t take mine, or anyone else’s word for things. You have your own inner wisdom to guide you, be that being called to do your own research, or trusting your instincts, you are the expert on you.