Today’s nudge is all about taking action. What is it that stops us doing what we want, or following through despite every good intention to do so?

Spring Clean Your Mind & Home event

The last few weeks have been especially busy.

My friend Cathy Phillips, an interior designer, and I held our first “Spring Clean Your Mind and Home” event in London.

The aim was to give people some new perspectives on freshening up their thinking and their homes, and hopefully rejuvenate their enthusiasm to do all those things they really want to!

The evening was a big success with a lovely bunch of people taking action and investing some time in themselves. In my experience, it gets a whole lot easier taking action when you stop believing your thoughts, and start to explore some different conversations with yourself as described in the following feedback.

“By asking disarmingly simple but direct questions Tamsin helped me to focus on some fundamental issues and also see a way forward to dealing with them. She also made me feel I’m not alone in dealing with such matters and that it is often patterns of thinking which cause them – and by changing these I can change my life for the better.”  Thanks Hilary from London.

If you’d like to receive an invitation to the next Spring Clean Event, just click here and let me know!

Three things that can make a difference

1 Make a commitment

People who have a clearer picture of what’s important to them tend to find it much easier to commit to following through than those who are less clear on their priorities, or living on autopilot.

If there’s no firm commitment to making the changes you want – be it habits, goals or a major life change – don’t be surprised if you wake up another year from now in the same position.

2 Stop the busyness

Have you ever noticed how some people wear busyness on their sleeve like a badge?  You ask them how they are and they launch into a whole story of how their life is just so busy, they can never catch up on what they need to do, they can’t remember when they last took some time out for themselves?

My mother has a lovely expression that sums this up. “You know that way when you ask someone how they are, and they go and blinking tell you…!!”

I used to feel a tad inferior when I felt I wasn’t living at break neck speed, but these days that couldn’t be further from the truth! Apart from the fact that busyness just gets in the way of good intentions, I couldn’t be less interested in expending my energy in that way.

3 Do something different and schedule it

We all have the same 24 hours in a day – so time is not an excuse. If you’re serious about wanting to make any change, then it won’t happen with the same thinking you’ve been having (to quote Einstein).

Doing something different will inevitably involve moving out of your comfort zone. Change can be uncomfortable for us all as it can cause uncertainty. But if you can just accept that’s the same for everyone, start taking some small steps in the direction you want to go, schedule those steps in, and trust yourself to handle whatever comes up, you won’t go far wrong.

“It’s not about resources, it’s how resourceful you are” (Tony Robbins)

I’ll leave you with this quote, which underlines what I shared at our Spring Clean event. It’s never a lack of resources that stops us doing the things we want (although we convince ourselves that it is), it’s how resourceful we are.

We all have access to the same internal resourcefulness, be that our creativity, passion, integrity, drive, love, it’s just a question of believing that.

Prefer to watch or listen to this blog? Just scroll down and click on the video link!

Happy 1st of April!

Spring has sprung on the River and it’s lovely to have some sunshine and blue skies.

For me, the expression ‘spring cleaning’ has far more to do with fresh starts, new beginnings than it does with cleaning, which I’ll readily admit is not my forte!?

I’m far more interested in de-cluttering my mind than my cupboards. A time to take stock of what’s working well and what’s not, check in on what’s most important to me and where I want to focus my energy and time in the coming months.

Making better decisions is an integral part, so today’s nudge is a conversation about some ways to make that easier.

1 How clear are you on how you’d like your life to be? – I know I bang on a lot about this, but with good reason. If you don’t have a clear picture on what is important to you, why you’re spending your time as you are, and how you’d like life to be then how is it possible to make any decisions, let alone better ones?

Reminds me of that old story about Little Red Riding Hood walking through the forest. When she comes to a fork in the road, the Wolf is sitting there. When he sees her hesitating which road to take, he asks her “Where are you going?” “I don’t know” she says….”Then it doesn’t really matter which road you take then” he replies.

2 How do you define what’s important? – a good place to start is to notice how you’re already living and responding to people and things in your life – often on auto pilot. What tends to rile or trigger you, and what’s happening when you feel more at ease and relaxed?

I’ve referred to this before as your blueprint, or internal software that’s running your show. Far easier to change your own blueprint over which you have total control than it is to change external circumstances or people over which you have little or none.

3 What are your non-negotiable values? – there’s a lot of discussion in the personal development world about knowing your values, but how well do you really know yours? And I’m not talking about one word values like trust, honesty, integrity, but delving deeper behind what those words specifically mean for you in practice, how they play out in your life and impact your decisions and relationships with others.

4 Where do you rank yourself on your ‘to do list’? – if you’re not putting yourself first – and yes, you read that right – then things can quickly unravel in times of indecision for two key reasons:

i you’re far more likely to make decisions based on others’ needs and agendas and not your own, which can lead to resentments building up over time, and two

ii if you aren’t taking care of your physical or mental well being to begin with, the resulting stress can make for poor decision making. Being a masterful gatekeeper over your thoughts and emotions is an absolute must for making better decisions.

5 Do you have a morning routine? – a game changer for me and my clients for improving all aspects of your wellbeing, and how you approach difficult decisions. If you jump on your email first thing, or are glued to your mobile phone, chances are you are not giving yourself the best start to your day. Taking a quiet hour for yourself to exercise, journal, read or listen to something that inspires you, and think through your important tasks for your day goes a long way towards ensuring you take decisions based on your priorities and not others’ demands.

I hope you’ve found this conversation helpful, and it gives you some ideas about making better decisions!

Making better decisions will be the focus of our next nudgeme Small Group in May. We’ll be delving deeper into this conversation then. Click here to see what joining a group will give you, and how much easier life has become for others who have already dived in!

Spring Clean Your Mind – 5 Ways to Make Better Decisions

This is my family of swans I see regularly outside my kitchen window on my boat – it’s lovely to have watched the cygnets gradually lose their darker feathers and grow into beautiful swans! And since swans are known to mate for life, I thought this would be a fitting pic for today’s Conversation for Valentines!

It’s not about the dishes ….

What’s not I suspect you’re wondering?

Well, last week I came across a blog post that resonated so much with me that I decided to share it with you. It caught my attention as it was entitled “she divorced me because I left dishes by the sink“. At first that might seem like the most ridiculous statement to make, but bear with me.

Sadly, the author wasn’t joking about the divorce, but what he went on to describe reminded me so much about why I do the work that I do, and why having a “different conversation” is so important.

The interesting twist is that the author is a man talking about his relationship and wishing to share – in a, what I find, an extremely humorous way, what he’s learnt from his experiences.

There are two big highlights in this post relating to better communications between the sexes that form the basis of my nudging, and I bang on a lot about!

1 The differences between how men and women think – yes, we’re all equal but, IMHO, we’re not and can never be the same. And to be even more precise, I’m not talking about gender i.e. being male or female, I’m talking about masculine and feminine energy and how we process information and can view things entirely differently. In my experience, not getting this lies at the root of more misunderstandings and pointless arguements than almost anything else.

2 A signal to have a different conversation – when either partner seems fed up, distant, angry and makes it all about the “dishes” – and this becomes a regular pattern that just keeps on showing up again and again, leading to the same old discussions and problems – it’s a signal to have a different conversation about what’s really going on beneath that. And it’s usually never about the dishes as the post highlights so well!

Here’s the full post. http://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

What do you think?

I’m undertaking my own straw poll on this at the minute and would love to know what you think! I promise to share the findings in a future post!

I hope this prompts some different conversations over this Valentine’s weekend!

Make it a good one!

Happy 2016!

I hope your New Year has got off to a great start.

I decided to do something new with my first blog post for the year, and have recorded my first video nudge!

It has a simple, but I feel important message, to forget about resolutions this year, and decide to do things a little differently!

So, before the busyness takes over again, I hope you’ll grab yourself a cup of coffee and take less than 5 minutes out to take a look.

As I say in the video, recording this put me way out of my comfort zone, but I hope it might encourage others to take the plunge and do something a little scary kicking off their New Year too!

Last month’s nudge suggested 3 main reasons why we can tend to procrastinate.

1 Lack of clarity around what it is we want.
2 Fear of failure or rejection.
3 Being a perfectionist.

This month, I said I’d follow up with some ideas on ways to help overcome procrastinating.

Here’s my starter for ten in no particular order.

1 Get honest with yourself – which of the three reasons I’ve mentioned resonate with you the most? Just taking some quiet time out to consider what your pattern tends to be can give you a better understanding of what drives you. This is not about beating yourself up, but rather getting clearer so you can start to do something about it.

2 Get clear on what’s really important to YOU – what are your important priorities? What is the direction you want your life to go in? What really matters to you at the end of the day? It is so tempting to blame others or external situations when you’re not happy with things, but if you don’t know what it is you want in the first place, you’ll constantly find yourself feeling conflicted and pulled from pillar to post.

3 Question unhelpful beliefs – be it about others and importantly yourself. So often we can be ruled by old, unquestioned beliefs that are way past their sell by date and keeping us perpetually stuck. For instance, telling yourself things like:

“That might work for others, but not for me.”
“I’ve done x so many times in the past and it’s failed so what’s the point in trying again?”
“I’m too old, unattractive, unintelligent, set in my ways, [fill in the gap] to do x, y or z.”
“I never have the time or the money to ….”

Instead, take a decision to catch yourself when this happens and decide to tell yourself the exact opposite. Have a simple word or phrase you can immediately say before the momentum starts to build! “Stop It” usually works pretty well!

4 Start putting yourself on your ‘to do’ list – yes, you read that right! Recognise when your boundaries are being stretched and you’re putting others first at the expense of your own wellbeing. Make better self-care a non-negotiable on your ‘to do’ list. Getting good at saying ‘no’ is a key part. Far from being selfish, rather see a ‘no’ as a ‘yes’ to yourself, which only serves to protect against potential resentment, anger, frustrations that can build up from over people pleasing, resulting in a win win all round.

5 Productivity is about habits not actions – use your energy to change habits that are no longer serving you and you’ll find taking action will inevitably follow more easily. Mastering better habits that support you and your priorities make all the difference. Focus on changing one habit at a time over a period of 30 days until it becomes second nature, something you do without thought or willpower like brushing your teeth.

6 Design for default – changing habits is so much easier when you put things in place to automatically help you. For example, if you want to change the habit of not drinking enough water, be sure to have a full glass beside your bed when you wake up, easily to hand while you’re working, and when you go to sleep. If you want to cut down on watching TV, re-arrange your furniture away from your set. If you want to free up 15 minutes for yourself in your morning, sort out what you’re going to wear in advance, and have fewer options (think how Steve Jobs would wear same black turtleneck every day).

7 Set yourself forfeits – this is a strategy I use in my nudging when someone finds themself continually unable to follow through. We discuss what’s the worst thing they can think of having to do instead of the thing they’re wanting to, but not managing to. Once they’ve told me, I come up with a forfeit based on this that they have to do instead. This invariably solves the situation pretty quickly!

8 Learn from your procrastinator – get to know that personality in you that tends to procrastinate. This is something we delve into much more deeply in nudgeme conversations, but the point is we are not just one person. We’re all made up of different personalities or roles that we play, and when you realise that you are lots of different people you can start calling up the best person for the job rather than them popping up and controlling you when you least expect or want it.

For instance, different personalities are often triggered to turn up when we need to protect ourselves, or need to learn from them. Or there’s a positive reason why a negative personality is taking over. For example, someone might complain a lot, but is in fact covering up something they badly want or need with their complaints – they’re critical because they’re afraid. The idea is to get to know all your personalities and their positive or negative qualities, as there’s usually a good reason for that particular personality showing up.

9 Give up all resistance & illusion of control – accept things as they are, but not worse than they are. Tony Robbins has an expression that captures this so well “pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” In other words, things happen, but it’s almost always the story we tell ourselves about it, and illusion we can control things, rather than the actual event that causes our upset.

10 Follow your Rainbow – finally, I’m sharing a photo a neighbour of mine took just down from my Marina. It reminds me of two important things that can stop procrastination instantly for me. Firstly, a full half Rainbow came out the day after my father had died suddenly so whenever I see one it reminds me to live life to the full. And secondly, he had an expression to always ‘Trawl for Gold’, look for the good, find something to be grateful for at the end of each day – procrastination doesn’t get a look in when you do.

I hope you’ve found this nudge helpful – especially at this busier time of competing priorities!

I’m often surprised at how many of us suffer from procrastination, which can make it much harder to take consistent action – or to follow through on something even when it’s seemingly something we really want to change or achieve.

It’s not unusual to see people getting all fired up at the start, often staying on track for a while, and then gradually things go back to the way they were. For instance, even when people have bought expensive courses that they don’t complete – let alone implement – and don’t get me started on gym memberships or diets!

What’s that about?

Certainly, proof that even when money is involved, it’s not always a motivator for many. Tempting to blame lack of time next, but we all know that’s a cop out – we all have the same 24 hours in a day.

Here are three of the main reasons I see that cause people to procrastinate – see if any ring bells for you.

1 Lack of clarity

Being unclear on your ‘why’ for wanting to change or achieve something in the first place. Put another way, you simply do not have a compelling enough reason to do so.

2 Fear of failure or rejection

Usually rooted in any number of old patterns or, invariably, unconscious beliefs, which, if left unquestioned, will continue to trip you up or sabotage your success.

3 Being a perfectionist

Wanting everything to be just right or perfect before taking a decision or action. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to give yourself the best chance or do a good job. It’s when we start setting ourselves impossible standards, or take forever to do something, that it is often a sign that we’re wanting some kind of external validation, or as a way to avoid judgement or feeling vulnerable.

Shorthand – as long as we’re overly concerned or worrying about what others think of us, we’re missing out on living life to our full potential, and the enjoyment and results to be gained from being ourselves.

So what’s the answer?

All too often, it can be a key life event that prompts, or even shocks us, into doing something differently. How often have you heard that someone loses their job suddenly, a relationship you thought was rock solid ends abruptly or someone has a health scare that causes us to reassess our own lives?

Change usually happens when the pain of not taking action overrides the pleasure of staying stuck. Or put another way, when being in our comfort zone has begun to feel distinctly uncomfortable.

Of course, there’s a much better way – starting with taking some time out for yourself to consider the reasons above.

I’ll be sharing more ways to help overcome these next time, but that’s my nudge for today!