“To be doubtful is uncomfortable to be certain is absurd.”

Voltaire to Frederick 2^nd of Prussia 4:6:1761

A good few years back when I was having a particularly difficult time about being certain about some things my father gave me a small card with this quotation on, which I still keep in my purse.

It was one of his favourites, and helped me to see how our wish for things to be certain in life is, as the quote says, pretty absurd. And of course the reason why we would like it to be so lies in the first part of the sentence – it can just feel so uncomfortable to sit with doubt.

What I find fascinating is that the quote was from 1761 – and here we are in 2015 often finding doubt and uncertainty just as uncomfortable! You’d think we’d have got better at it somehow!

Fast forward and one of my favourite quotes now is from Tony Robbins who pioneered my training in Strategic Intervention:

“The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty that you can comfortably live with.”

So, if that’s still the thinking all these years on, I thought it would be useful to share some thoughts on how we might get better at achieving this.

Make friends with uncertainty

Knowing that nothing is certain (except death and taxes as the old expression goes) can immediately take the charge out of most situations. So, rather than fight it, just get good at noticing when the need for certainty arises and let it come and go. Often uncertainty is just the egos way of keeping you safe so just acknowledge what’s happening, and then focus your thoughts onto something else.

This too will pass

Changes of any sort can quickly throw up all sorts of uncomfortable feelings and a rush to control them to feel certain. Just repeating the words “this too will pass”, or any form of words, that act as a trigger to feeling calmer again can quickly put you in a more resourceful state.

Get good at meeting your own needs for certainty

A good way to cope in times of uncertainty is to have things you can think of, or physically do, that immediately make you feel more secure, and give you your own sense of certainty, regardless of what’s going on around you.

And, even more importantly, is for those things to be within your control rather than relying on a sense of certainty from other people over whom we have little or no control (given they are individual human beings with their own unique needs at any given time), or from external sources such as our work, which can change at any time.

A good place to start is to think of the times when you’re feeling happy and nothing particular is bothering you – you just feel relaxed and okay with the world. What do you tend to be doing at such times? What’s happening around you? Where are you? Who are you with? Then write down what comes to mind. Often the things we enjoy about our lives are the things that help us feel better in times of uncertainty. This could be anything from:

• taking a walk
• getting out into nature
• listening to some music
• reading a book or a newspaper
• relaxing in a bath
• watching sport
• playing a game
• laughing at something funny
• learning something new or inspiring

whatever it is that makes you feel good.

Expend your energy wisely

So, if you think of all the energy we can put into worrying about things we’re uncertain about that never actually happen 99 per cent of the time, then how much better to get wise to that and, instead, expend that energy on the people and things that matter most to us.

I’ll end on one of my (and also was one of my father’s) favourite times shown in the photo above when I feel especially happy and certain, and that’s when I’m on my annual holiday in Cornwall walking along this cliff path. It always conjures up the same happy feelings, and, as the saying goes, serves as a ‘symbol of stability in an ever-changing world’!

Five things to STOP…!

1 Talking to yourself in negative ways

Everything’s hopeless; wish I was slimmer, brighter, richer; it was definitely something I must have done that made them react like that.

2 Slipping into victim mode

Beating yourself up when things don’t go exactly to plan; nothing ever goes right for me; that’s just my luck.

3 Living in the past

Rehashing unhelpful conversations or events over and over again.

4 Berating yourself

Whatever you do, it’s so important to finish absolutely everything on your (never ending) to do list before you can even think of relaxing now.

5 Overloading your mind

Keeping as busy as possible, doing lots of things at once and always having one eye or ear out to something else even when someone’s talking to you.

Five things to START …!

1 Mastering your thoughts

i watching your language – replacing ‘shoulds’, ‘musts’ ‘got tos’, with ‘want tos’, ‘good tos’, ‘love tos’; replacing ‘never’ and ‘always’ with ‘not for now’ or ‘not yet’.

ii checking in on your physiology – shoulders back, head up, deeper breathing, smiling more, regular movement, hourly mini breaks.

iii choosing what you focus on – you get what you focus on so focus on what you want, not what you don’t, get good at catching yourself out and stop!

2 Taking things less personally

Registering it’s not all about you. So, as the saying goes “what people think of you is none of your business”.

3 Believing that people are doing the best that they can and have good intentions

It might not be your best or your way, but not attaching negative meanings to what others do or say, and rather seeing people in the best light, works wonders – especially in personal relationships -;)

4 Carving out guilt free time for yourself

Getting really good at  ‘me time’ is not only not selfish and good for you, it’s the best thing you can do for the people you care about (think about it …)

5 Giving your undivided attention

If it’s talking with your partner, a friend, child or work colleague give them your undivided attention and actively listen.

And one bonus nudge! Practice running through all the things you are grateful for at the end of each day – often good to have the conversation with yourself before you go to sleep at night. No matter how large or small, psychologists say it’s impossible to feel grateful and unhappy at the same time!

This post follows on from my last one Why To Do Lists Don’t Work when I shared some ways to help you take back control of your time. I talked about the importance of having a compelling reason as to why the things on your list are important in the first place. Are your ‘to do’ lists taking you further towards your important priorities and goals in life, or is it more a case of trying to keep up with other people’s demands and agendas? If that’s the case, read that post first to get some ideas on how to stop that!

So what stops people following their own agenda?

Often, even when people commit to changing the way they’re spending their time, and instigate new routines to makes more of their hours in a day, they can still find themselves slipping back into old ways. This is an indication that it’s a good time to have a different conversation with yourself.

It’s invariably either a case of needing to be more conscious in managing your mindset better, or old patterns of behavior, which have not caught up with your new intentions, and are unconsciously still running the show.

Here are some questions to ask yourself, and then just get curious about what comes up.

1 Am I really committed to my important priorities and goals?

Perhaps something has shifted in you since you last considered them, or there have been changes in your life recently, or maybe you’re at a different life stage altogether, which means they’re no longer so important, or other things now need to be factored in. Whatever the case, regularly reviewing how you would like your life to be, and re-committing to your why for setting your goals and priorities can significantly sustain your motivation.

2 What story am I regularly telling myself?

It always amazes me how so many of us can get caught up in our story of how we feel things should be, or how we should behave, without ever questioning it or giving it much thought. So often, our story can relate back to patterns resulting from beliefs, values or rules we were brought up with, which might have been good for us back then, but are no longer serving us. Here are a few of the ways this can show up:

• worrying what others think about us
• needing everything to be perfect
• people pleasing
• putting others’ needs before our own
• finding it much easier to give than receive
• lack of self belief/confidence
• indecision

and the list goes on ….

If any of these ring bells with you, take some time out to get conscious about your beliefs, values and rules you are living by now. What values are most important to you – often known as your ‘towards’ values, such as honesty, integrity, kindness, loyalty? And then what are those values you dislike, often known as your ‘away’ values, such as dishonesty, rudeness, insincerity? Then what rules do you have around your values and beliefs? Or put another way, what has to happen for you to feel your values are being respected?

Values form an important part of our identity, and when they are in conflict with the goals or priorities we’re pursuing – or something or someone is triggering us – it’s often a case that our values aren’t aligning, or our rules are not being respected in some way. In which case, something needs to change, and no amount of time management strategies will make the difference.

3 What’s the worse that can happen if? And then what?

Sometimes just asking this one question can quickly move you into action. I always describe it as ‘peeling the onion’. Think about what it is that’s causing you stress, or that’s constantly playing on your mind, or you’re repeatedly not managing to achieve. And when you get the first answer, keep asking “and then what?” Very rarely do the things we worry or obsess about come to pass, so after you’ve done this a few times, it often boils down to not very much, and you can quickly move forward.

Other questions you can ask yourself particularly if it relates to another individual are:

– is this true?

– how do you know?

– who says so?

– what makes their opinion better than yours?

– what would you do now/next if you didn’t believe that thought?

These are the kinds of questions and strategies I share with clients so they more consciously manage their thoughts and mindset. They may sound like common sense, but, as we all know, sometimes common sense isn’t so common!

They need a compelling reason!

Making to do lists might make you feel better in the short term, but very frustrated in the long term. And that’s because to do lists without a compelling reason to complete them, are little more than an organisation system – and often a way to keep track of other people’s agendas and demands rather than your own.

If you have no clarity or clear picture about why you’re working all the hours under the sun, and gradually getting no where fast, the likelihood is you’re not clear on the bigger picture, what you’re working towards, aiming at in your life. And without clarity, it’s very hard to maintain any sort of commitment or focus.

Instead of writing yet another list today, and kidding yourself that it feels good to cross off things in the name of false productivity for just keeping busy, take a step back and try out the following ways to create a different system – one that will not only re energise and focus you, but will have you feeling great about attacking your day, rather than that feeling of dread and overwhelm.

1 Get crystal clear on how you’d like your life to be and why

How would you love your life to be in your work, your personal life, health and all areas, which are important to you? And I’m not talking about your day to day stuff, an urgent work task or chore, I’m talking about a big picture vision of things in your life you’d like to achieve, do, resolve, make happen in the next 12 months. Ask yourself, if this next year was your last, what would you love to have created by the end of it? And then ask yourself why these things are specifically important to you.

2 Create a different routine – especially your morning one.

How you start off your day can be a big factor in determining how much you achieve, and how good you feel as you go through your day. Creating routines and habits to help support you can make all the difference!

In these days of ‘real time’ communication and never ending demands, it’s more important than ever to protect your time. Something you can introduce immediately is a ‘no technology rule’ for the first hour and that means ZERO checking of email.

I can feel the resistance already! If that sounds excruciatingly hard to you, then ask yourself a question: “who is going to die today as a result of me not responding to them immediately?” Fact is the answer will be no one. Instead, use that time to go for a walk, get your head clear for the day, get a dose of inspiration – whatever that means for you. Could be reading a chapter of a book you’re enjoying, planning out a recipe for later, checking out a YouTube video of someone you admire or new learning/training that motivates you. Could be just sitting quietly and writing in a journal, or doing some meditation – point is it’s quiet time for you, and you will be amazed at the results.

3 Get strategic about your day

In order to reclaim your time it’s important to get really strategic about your agenda in your day. Start off by thinking about all the important projects you’ve got on the boil, and areas in your life you want to attend to, based on your life priorities that you are now crystal clear about. Break this down into key areas, such as your work life and different projects you’re working on; personal life, including things you want to achieve, your relationships, your ‘you’ time. Then list the actions to be taken under each one, the steps you want to/need to take.

4 Set deadlines

Now, taking each of your key areas and priorities in turn, set some deadlines around when you would like to have these completed. Again, start off with applying a top level deadline to each of your key areas, and then work backwards from there setting specific dates/times against each of the actions you’ve listed.

5 Get laser focused

In order to get laser focused, it’s important to minimise all distractions, including:

• turning off email alerts, social media notifications, mobile etc.

• allocating set times to check your email maximum 2-3 times a day, unless you’re in a customer care role – and even then consider setting up an automatic message to say when this email is checked in an 8 hour period, giving an alternative means of contacting you for urgent messages.

• checking all emails in against your important priorities, not other people’s demands or requests that they feel are important. Then make a list of who you need to reach out to today, and the actions you need to complete – not what can wait until tomorrow, or later in your week or even month, but the people or tasks you must complete today.

• setting a timer and allocating dedicated time to your important actions – 25 minute slots and blitz that one thing. This is not about completing everything in a day, in fact the exact opposite. It’s about being strategic about breaking down your projects and tasks into manageable chunks, and then maintaining your focus on the steps each day, week, month towards completing them.

6 Re-engineer your day

A great way to reclaim your time and agenda, is to review how you are currently spending your time in a given day. Make a note of all the things you are doing and how long they take, starting off first thing in the morning until last thing at night. This can be quite an eye-opening process, and is likely to give you an immediate wake up call as to how and where your time is currently slipping away from you!

These steps are a process in themselves. Getting clear on your ‘bigger picture’ and what’s important for you in your life first, will help sustain your motivation and drive when the inevitable demands of others start to pull you off track in your day to day. And of course, will go a long way towards helping you to have a better conversation with yourself because you’ll know you’re now working towards the priorities that are important to you.

Mindset is also a big factor – but that’s for another conversation!

 … is to ask yourself better questions

I always say “you don’t know what you don’t know until you do”. And that basically means until we’re able to see alternatives, get new perspectives, see different options that are open to us, it can be hard to start a different conversation with ourselves.

The key to having a different conversation is to get good at asking yourself better questions. Here are a few of my favourites to try on and see what shifts for you.

What’s your story?

When you think about your life, what do you find yourself regularly saying about it? What do you tell yourself about what is and isn’t possible? What meanings are you giving that and how is that working out for you?

What would you do next/now if you did know?

Often people can get stuck when they can’t see the wood for the trees, and are overwhelmed or unclear on what it is they really want or what steps to take. Asking yourself “what would you do next or now if you did know” can help bypass all that confusion. Add to that, “if I did know and I believed I couldn’t fail I’d …… what?”

How and why would believing that make your life better?

If you thought you could do anything you wanted without any doubts or fears, how does that make you feel? How would you behave differently in your life? What different choices and decisions might you make? Just giving yourself a chance to let go of all fears and doubts for a minute can do wonders for building self confidence and esteem.

When would now be a good time to start?

I love the play on words in this question, and often use it when people are procrastinating or putting off doing something. The word ‘now’ sneaked in there sends an immediate message to the brain to act now!

Do you want to be right or happy?

It’s a big part of human nature to want to stand up for our beliefs, views, what we believe in. And that’s all well and good, but it can also cause conflict when others don’t agree with us or see our point of view. Asking yourself “do I want to be right or happy” in a given situation can help quickly remind you of what’s really important in the bigger picture, and help take the heat out of most situations.

Who owns that problem?

When something has happened, or upset you, and you start feeling you’ve done something wrong, or it must be your fault, simply asking “who owns that problem” can quickly stop you from beating yourself up. You are not responsible for other people’s responses and reactions, which are not in your control, they are. That’s the point about having choices, we get to choose how we respond and react to things in any given moment. This fact alone is so important to remember, and underpins everything about having a different conversation with yourself. And the more you see that only you are in control of what you believe, or how you want to respond, the sooner you put yourself back in the driving seat!

There are many more questions that can help to start a different conversation, which I’ll share in future posts. For now, try these on and see what difference they make.

Have I done the right thing?

I’ve been thinking recently how change of any sort can throw up lots of different thoughts and feelings such as “have I done the right thing”, “what happens if X, Y or Z doesn’t materialise”, “what’s the future going to be like” and the list goes on. All natural feelings in times of change, but not great if you find yourself conjuring up all kinds of unhelpful thoughts that either completely put a dampener on the excitement to be got from making changes – or alternatively completely paralyse you from even starting to make any changes in the first place.

Here’s 3 things to tell yourself whenever you’re facing change in your life.

1 Nothing is chipped in stone

You can always change your mind whenever you want. Feeling like it’s a one time only decision, or that everything has to be perfect, is often the biggest cause of procrastination and not taking action. Instead, give yourself permission to say, “on balance, this feels right so I’m going to do it, appreciating I can never know 100% per cent if it will work out, but I can always change my mind if it doesn’t”.

2 Change is exciting

Since the nervous feelings you get in the pit of your stomach that accompany change often feel the same whether you’re feeling fearful or excited, simply decide to be excited. You’d be surprised how this small shift can make all the difference!

3 I’m curious how this will work out

View change with curiosity rather than something to be avoided. Start saying “yes” more to new things and experiences. Get out of your comfort zone as much as possible, make a list of all the things you’d like to change by the end of the year, and then start first with the one that makes you feel most nervous, and then the next, and the next. As the old saying goes you never regret the things you don’t do, only those that you wish you had.

Often times, it can be hard to initiate a tricky conversation when we’re unsure how the other person’s going to react. Or worse, when we’ve got a good idea, but know we’re broaching a difficult subject or something, which is likely to meet with resistance.

Choose your optimum time

Apart from the (hopefully) obvious of choosing an optimum time – emphasis on the optimum – the following 5 points cover some things to keep in mind, and the nice thing is all of them are within your control!

Actually, a quick clarification on choosing your time. I’m not talking about a good time as often there’s no such thing. It’s a bit like waiting for all the planets to align, or hoping for the day when the conversation somehow gets around to what’s troubling you, it rarely happens! No, I’m talking about the optimum time being when both you and the said other are in your best state as possible.

Quick example of what an optimum time isn’t that immediately comes to mind. My twin sister is an early bird, literally she opens her eyes and is ready for her day, and the first thing she used to say to her husband is “what would you like for supper?” And then she’d be chatting away, running through possible options and, over time, she’d get more and more frustrated when her husband regularly didn’t respond. He, on the other hand, is the complete opposite, preferring to be left alone in the morning and wake up in his own way, and the last thing on his mind is what he’s gong to be eating later! Of course, this eventually became obvious, and supper is no longer discussed first thing – a fact I’m convinced has contributed to their on-going union!

Now, back to those 5 points.

1 Different maps of the world

Many moons ago when I was doing my coach training, this is possibly the one thing that had the biggest impact on me. The concept is based on the idea that we all have different ‘maps of the world’ as it’s referred to, that there is no one map or reality, but rather we all have are own individual maps of how we think about things, or would like them to be, based on our own unique experiences, internal ‘wiring’, beliefs and values. Realising this makes communications so much easier since there is often very little point in trying to force someone to see things in exactly the same way we do – sometimes they will and sometimes they won’t, and that’s okay.

2 Good intentions

In my experience, and certainly a key part of having a different conversation, is the belief that the other person has good intentions, even though you might not think that at the time. If you’re feeling hostility towards the other person from the outset, it will be much harder to come to a mutual agreement or compromise. Believing that we’re all doing the best we can at any given moment can immediately take the heat out of a difficult conversation.

3 It’s not about the words

It’s well known, but worth reiterating, that the words we use in any communication only account for a very small percentage of how we experience and process what’s being said. Two other factors have a much bigger impact: body language and tone of voice – with tone of voice being the bigger factor. So, back to the importance of being in your best state when both your physiology, and the way you’re likely to say things, stand the best chance of success.

4 What’s more important?

Sometimes, differences can feel so important that it can be hard to see how agreement can be reached. This can result in all sorts of on going arguments and tensions – particularly in close relationships. Often this comes down to our own personal beliefs, values and the ‘rules’ that we choose to live by (maps of the world) and that would be okay if we were all living as hermits, and didn’t have to take account of others’ beliefs and values, but it is not a great recipe if you are wanting happier relationships.

At such times, a good question to ask yourself is “to whom does the issue matter most at the end of the day?”  Perhaps this time, on balance, it matters far more to your partner for example than it does to you; another time, it might be something that you feel strongly about, which they can give ground on.

5 The easy v the hard way

This is one of my favourite expressions about the problems, which are caused by prevarication and putting off. Not having the conversation can feel very easy to start off with, but the longer things go on, or are avoided, the much harder they can be. The effect is that the easy way becomes the hard way and the hard way becomes the easy way, so you might as well get on with it.

Hopefully, keeping these points in mind will help with your trickier conversations, and make for a much better outcome!