Happy first Sunday of Spring!
How good are you at saying “no”? This was a recurring conversation that came up in the nudgeme Small Groups, that people can find hard, which only exacerbates the “busyness” syndrome. From saying “no” to others’ demands on them in their work or business to invitations from friends to go to social events they’d rather not attend, to requests from acquaintances, or even strangers, who they find themselves nodding a “yes” to, when they’re inwardly screaming “no”!
Here’s 3 ways to help make it easier to say “no”.
Setting healthy boundaries
In my experience, a key reason we have difficulties with saying no often relates to the value of putting others’ needs before our own, and that’s a good thing, as long as we also take care of our own needs too, which is invariably the bit that we miss! And I don’t mean trading ‘you do something for me and then I’ll do something for you’. I’m talking about being really clear about what your needs are in the first place, your important priorities and the things you value the most in your life because then it gets much easier to set healthy boundaries around that to guide your dealings with others.
Being true to yourself isn’t selfish
I often hear but isn’t it selfish to put your own needs first?
Well, let’s look at that. How is it really possible to be responsible for another’s needs? We can only take personal responsibility for meeting our own needs, and how we think and feel about meeting those will be different depending on our own beliefs and values. Just as we can’t possibly think and feel exactly the same as someone else does, how can we expect another person to know exactly what we’re thinking or feeling either – put simply they are not us.
By the very nature of the different beliefs and values that we each choose to live by it follows that saying “no” is not selfish, but an inevitable part of respecting our differences and being true to ourselves. This is possibly a good reason why we can feel uncomfortable when we don’t!
It can really help to bear this in mind when you think you’ve upset someone by saying “no”. Or alternatively, someone appears to be being selfish from your perspective. Reframing their behaviour as being true to themselves puts a very different spin on it!
Giving and receiving
Interestingly, saying no seems less of a problem when it comes to giving and receiving. Here’s when many of us can find it easier to give than to receive. In those moments, we don’t hesitate to say no – “no I couldn’t possibly let you do that” when someone is offering to do something for us. The irony is that it’s in those moments when we should be saying “yes” more often as in doing so we give the other person the pleasure of giving to us, and we all know how good that feels.
I’ll sum up the conversation by suggesting you give it a go this week. Try saying “no” more to others’ demands and “yes” more to their offers for help – in doing so, you’ll not only be giving both of you the chance to be true to yourselves, but helping to alleviate the busyness in the process!