… is to ask yourself better questions
I always say “you don’t know what you don’t know until you do”. And that basically means until we’re able to see alternatives, get new perspectives, see different options that are open to us, it can be hard to start a different conversation with ourselves.
The key to having a different conversation is to get good at asking yourself better questions. Here are a few of my favourites to try on and see what shifts for you.
What’s your story?
When you think about your life, what do you find yourself regularly saying about it? What do you tell yourself about what is and isn’t possible? What meanings are you giving that and how is that working out for you?
What would you do next/now if you did know?
Often people can get stuck when they can’t see the wood for the trees, and are overwhelmed or unclear on what it is they really want or what steps to take. Asking yourself “what would you do next or now if you did know” can help bypass all that confusion. Add to that, “if I did know and I believed I couldn’t fail I’d …… what?”
How and why would believing that make your life better?
If you thought you could do anything you wanted without any doubts or fears, how does that make you feel? How would you behave differently in your life? What different choices and decisions might you make? Just giving yourself a chance to let go of all fears and doubts for a minute can do wonders for building self confidence and esteem.
When would now be a good time to start?
I love the play on words in this question, and often use it when people are procrastinating or putting off doing something. The word ‘now’ sneaked in there sends an immediate message to the brain to act now!
Do you want to be right or happy?
It’s a big part of human nature to want to stand up for our beliefs, views, what we believe in. And that’s all well and good, but it can also cause conflict when others don’t agree with us or see our point of view. Asking yourself “do I want to be right or happy” in a given situation can help quickly remind you of what’s really important in the bigger picture, and help take the heat out of most situations.
Who owns that problem?
When something has happened, or upset you, and you start feeling you’ve done something wrong, or it must be your fault, simply asking “who owns that problem” can quickly stop you from beating yourself up. You are not responsible for other people’s responses and reactions, which are not in your control, they are. That’s the point about having choices, we get to choose how we respond and react to things in any given moment. This fact alone is so important to remember, and underpins everything about having a different conversation with yourself. And the more you see that only you are in control of what you believe, or how you want to respond, the sooner you put yourself back in the driving seat!
There are many more questions that can help to start a different conversation, which I’ll share in future posts. For now, try these on and see what difference they make.